So I watched a charming little movie called “Teeth” the other day. This is the tale of a virginal, promise ring wearing, inspirational chastity speech giving teen by the name of Dawn (Jess Weixler). Dawn is a little different. I don’t mean different in the sense of being a young woman of strict religious principals struggling to find love and acceptance in high school. No, Dawn is different because she has lamprey teeth. In her lady parts. Yes, you read that right. Dawn has a condition known as “vagina dentata” which is Latin for “Jaws pu$$y.” (I had to censor myself…this is a family website.) You can guess where the film goes from there.
Where do I even begin with this one? I’m going to get this out of the way right up front…I am not a huge fan of comedy in my horror movies, even black comedy. The line between inspired filmmaking and ridiculous bore for horror comedy is razor thin in my opinion. It fails more often than it succeeds, which is unfortunately the case with “Teeth.” The jokes, when they come, are not really that funny because of all the screaming and blood. Imagine a movie where every joke is the date rape joke from “Observe and Report.” Yeah, sounds hilarious right?
At this point, you are saying “Matt, so it isn’t that funny but isn’t it scary? I mean, emasculating female revenge is TOTALLY SCARY.” Well, chief, you’re wrong there too. The biggest disappointment is that the scares are pretty dull. You know when they are coming (since anything that goes into the vagina of doom meets the same end), they are pretty much the same every time (because how many different ways can you put something into the vagina of doom without it becoming a horror comedy PORNO?), and they usually have some of the “comedy” tossed in there that makes the whole exercise just fail epically.
To top it all off, I just couldn’t get behind any of the characters. Dawn is annoying and everybody she comes into contact with is a doucher. Which begs the question…how does one person run into this many rapists/molesters/douchebags in a period of a FEW DAYS in a SMALL TOWN and manages to get all kinds of stuff shoved up there to be bitten off?! I understand that if the entire conceit of your movie is to have a vajayjay with a blender in it, you need to find a reason for stuff to go up there. But the filmmakers don’t want Dawn to be a monster, they want her to be sympathetic. It just left me blasé. Of course, I guess it is a moot point anyway since how many people have teeth in their vagina?
This film received positive critical response and was a hit at Sundance in 2007. I mean, I understand “the message.” I understand the point that it makes about female empowerment and the metaphor for sexuality and yada yada yada. I guess “Teeth” should be given its due for that if nothing else. But purely as a piece of entertainment, it just isn’t satisfying.
Grade: D
Where do I even begin with this one? I’m going to get this out of the way right up front…I am not a huge fan of comedy in my horror movies, even black comedy. The line between inspired filmmaking and ridiculous bore for horror comedy is razor thin in my opinion. It fails more often than it succeeds, which is unfortunately the case with “Teeth.” The jokes, when they come, are not really that funny because of all the screaming and blood. Imagine a movie where every joke is the date rape joke from “Observe and Report.” Yeah, sounds hilarious right?
At this point, you are saying “Matt, so it isn’t that funny but isn’t it scary? I mean, emasculating female revenge is TOTALLY SCARY.” Well, chief, you’re wrong there too. The biggest disappointment is that the scares are pretty dull. You know when they are coming (since anything that goes into the vagina of doom meets the same end), they are pretty much the same every time (because how many different ways can you put something into the vagina of doom without it becoming a horror comedy PORNO?), and they usually have some of the “comedy” tossed in there that makes the whole exercise just fail epically.
To top it all off, I just couldn’t get behind any of the characters. Dawn is annoying and everybody she comes into contact with is a doucher. Which begs the question…how does one person run into this many rapists/molesters/douchebags in a period of a FEW DAYS in a SMALL TOWN and manages to get all kinds of stuff shoved up there to be bitten off?! I understand that if the entire conceit of your movie is to have a vajayjay with a blender in it, you need to find a reason for stuff to go up there. But the filmmakers don’t want Dawn to be a monster, they want her to be sympathetic. It just left me blasé. Of course, I guess it is a moot point anyway since how many people have teeth in their vagina?
This film received positive critical response and was a hit at Sundance in 2007. I mean, I understand “the message.” I understand the point that it makes about female empowerment and the metaphor for sexuality and yada yada yada. I guess “Teeth” should be given its due for that if nothing else. But purely as a piece of entertainment, it just isn’t satisfying.
Grade: D
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