It’s been awhile. I’m a busy man folks, so I’m not sorry but I understand why you feel the way you do. So, for my grand return, I am going to discuss the thriller for and by nudists, After.Life.
Here’s the gist…Christina Ricci is a school teacher who is full of ennui and malaise. She takes pills and dates Justin Long and generally has a pouty vacant look on her face all the time, which we all know is the visual depiction of depression in moviedom. Christina Ricci is cold and mean to Justin Long but he is just so infatuated with that “Precious Moments” face of hers, he has to fight for the love. The love that is painfully absent and never really existed in the first place if flashbacks are to be believed. Oh yeah, Christina Ricci also has a creepy student who is apparently supposed to be the love child of Danny from The Shining.
Anywho, depression and pills and the hysteria that comes with her lady parts causes Christina Ricci to get in an accident because we all know ladies can’t drive. The next thing we know, Christina Ricci wakes up on a slab to Liam Neeson, the town’s funeral director/mortician/creeper, leering over her and telling her she died in the accident. And Christina Ricci is all like “Whuuuut?! Nuh uh!” and Liam Neeson is like “For real. Now I have to cut your clothes off so you can be naked for the next 90 minutes.”
And that’s it. The suspense for the rest of the film hinges on whether Liam Neeson is telling truth about Christina Ricci’s new status as dead-but-sexy zombie-ghost or if she is actually alive and Qui Gonn is just a psycho.
This film certainly asks you to make some leaps of logic. Like whatever town this is has the most inept emergency responders ever. This accident, which is supposed to be the worst car accident in the history of the world, results in Christina Ricci having a cut on her forehead. That’s it. No bruises. No broken bones. Just a cut. On her forehead. Obviously, when the police and EMTs showed up, the rookie took one look at her and puked while the grizzled veteran said something like “Poor bastard.” before they put her in a body bag and handed her over to the Nees. Or how about how Liam Neeson keeps injecting Christina Ricci with 10,000 CCs of “muscle relaxer” to prevent “rigor”? Either Christina Ricci’s school district has the laxest hiring requirements ever or she faked some credentials somewhere along the line because she is the dumbest teacher ever to fall for that bunk.
This proves to be the undoing of the film. The filmmakers keep making it seem pretty obvious which way this thing is going to turn out but then throw in these inexplicable “or is it?” moments that make you reevaluate your previous assumptions. That’s all well and good to keep the suspense going but the whole fun of these movies is the reveal at the end where they tell you what is really going on. That never comes in this movie. They just keep making u-turns on the path through the whole damn thing, to the very last frame. LAME.
Liam Neeson gives a good performance and the film does have flashes of quality in it but it is ultimately disappointing. Justin Long is not charming or likable at all. Christina Ricci phones in her performance and let’s her boobs do the talking on the other end of the line. I had high hopes but it was a disappointment.
Grade D +
Here’s the gist…Christina Ricci is a school teacher who is full of ennui and malaise. She takes pills and dates Justin Long and generally has a pouty vacant look on her face all the time, which we all know is the visual depiction of depression in moviedom. Christina Ricci is cold and mean to Justin Long but he is just so infatuated with that “Precious Moments” face of hers, he has to fight for the love. The love that is painfully absent and never really existed in the first place if flashbacks are to be believed. Oh yeah, Christina Ricci also has a creepy student who is apparently supposed to be the love child of Danny from The Shining.
Anywho, depression and pills and the hysteria that comes with her lady parts causes Christina Ricci to get in an accident because we all know ladies can’t drive. The next thing we know, Christina Ricci wakes up on a slab to Liam Neeson, the town’s funeral director/mortician/creeper, leering over her and telling her she died in the accident. And Christina Ricci is all like “Whuuuut?! Nuh uh!” and Liam Neeson is like “For real. Now I have to cut your clothes off so you can be naked for the next 90 minutes.”
And that’s it. The suspense for the rest of the film hinges on whether Liam Neeson is telling truth about Christina Ricci’s new status as dead-but-sexy zombie-ghost or if she is actually alive and Qui Gonn is just a psycho.
This film certainly asks you to make some leaps of logic. Like whatever town this is has the most inept emergency responders ever. This accident, which is supposed to be the worst car accident in the history of the world, results in Christina Ricci having a cut on her forehead. That’s it. No bruises. No broken bones. Just a cut. On her forehead. Obviously, when the police and EMTs showed up, the rookie took one look at her and puked while the grizzled veteran said something like “Poor bastard.” before they put her in a body bag and handed her over to the Nees. Or how about how Liam Neeson keeps injecting Christina Ricci with 10,000 CCs of “muscle relaxer” to prevent “rigor”? Either Christina Ricci’s school district has the laxest hiring requirements ever or she faked some credentials somewhere along the line because she is the dumbest teacher ever to fall for that bunk.
This proves to be the undoing of the film. The filmmakers keep making it seem pretty obvious which way this thing is going to turn out but then throw in these inexplicable “or is it?” moments that make you reevaluate your previous assumptions. That’s all well and good to keep the suspense going but the whole fun of these movies is the reveal at the end where they tell you what is really going on. That never comes in this movie. They just keep making u-turns on the path through the whole damn thing, to the very last frame. LAME.
Liam Neeson gives a good performance and the film does have flashes of quality in it but it is ultimately disappointing. Justin Long is not charming or likable at all. Christina Ricci phones in her performance and let’s her boobs do the talking on the other end of the line. I had high hopes but it was a disappointment.
Grade D +
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